Runner’s Knee – Go on, flatter me.

My knee. My &*#^& knee.

I finally went to get it checked today and after reporting on my symptoms (which I probably could have stopped listing as soon as I said, “I just started running”) the mildly overconfident doctor got up and said in that really annoying “I’m about to knock your socks off” voice… “Sounds like you’ve got runner’s knee.”

So he came over and started just manhandling my 2-days-since-shaving legs. Poke, twist, prod, bend, scrunch.

“Does this hurt?” No.

“Does this hurt?” No.

“Does this hurt?” No.

(Dude, you fucking know what’s wrong with me already so how about we get on with it…)

“Does this hurt?” Twist-Push… YEAH! THAT HURTS THANKS!

Yeah – Runner’s knee. *eye rolls*

So – what does that mean? No running. FuX0r. But I’ll go with “duh” on that one. So, I ask what I can do. Before he can even open his mouth I know the answer. Same one my foot doctor gave me. “Swim.” Well… how handy. Because I suck at swimming. And have no pool to swim in that doesn’t also contain urinating/screaming/obnoxious children.

Oh, and the elliptical! Yes! Because I fucking hate the elliptical!

I can ride the bike as long as my knees don’t extend too far. And I am pretty sure I can rollerblade. Yes. I still rollerblade. And I am AWESOME.

He asks, “So besides cardio, what’s the rest of your strength training routine?” I tell him. Then I make a bet – “Bet I can’t lunge or squat!” Man I wish I had money. He said, no. No lunging. No squatting. He actually said they are like the worst possible thing for knees which makes me wonder why they are so darn popular amongst, ya know, everyone. And I guess the question is… what else? All have to shallow-bend or straight-leg exercises. Joy. No ass for Jane. I was banking on those squats.

It’ll take time to heal (yay!) and there’s not a lot I can do besides these lame exercises (yay!) but eventually, maybe, it’ll get better just in time for me to never run again.

Good news: My knees are picture perfect :) I’m not nearly as knock-kneed as I could be, and my knee caps are perfectly aligned. Really, I just did running wrong. Apparently if you start too late (26 years old really is old. I knew it!) and over work your shit, then you break. And I broke.

But because I had runner’s knee, that means I was a runner for whatever short amount of time I could run. And that, my friend, is a win.